My Wandering Spirit
Snooze's blog today got me thinking about my own feelings and emotional needs these days.Last year, making plans for a life with Steak, I changed. Tremendously.
For the first time, I thought about my future. I made an emotional and financial investment in it. I was striving to better myself, hoping to become the man I want to be.
When we broke up, I was lost. My goal disappeared. I had no reason to put up with the bullshit being shovelled at me in my new job. I make a good salary, but don't need it for myself. My expenses aren't that high. I'm putting time in here to shore up a future life. If I planned on being a bachelor, I could live very differently right now. I'd be happy with a minimun wage job, or even busking.
But I don't want to spend my life on my own. I need people in my life, to inspire my music, and to give me an incentive to slog through the negative aspects of life these days. As we evolve, we see our friends pair off and start families and lives together. And they don't always include us single folk as much as we'd like. My best friend lives next door to me, but I rarely see him anymore. He's busy building his family and home.
So there aren't so many of us left playing in the sandbox these days.
I recently realized that along with finding that one person to build my family with, that one person to inspire me to live in their direction, i'm looking for someone who'll build sandcastles with me and not run off to the cool kids when they walk by with their... coolness, I guess.
I've never had much direction in my life. I've just done whatever was the best option at the time. There was no long-term plan, no destination.
But now I'm holding out. I know where I want to go, and I'm not going to veer off that path without a whole lot of convincing. I've known for a while, but never really said it.
I want what Steak and I had been hoping for. I want the family. The kids. That waspy, middle-class life where you just get old together, watching the family grow and evolve. Hell, maybe even the white picket fence, although i'd probably grafitti it myself.
Don't worry, I'm sure as hell not getting into any closets. I'm looking towards life with a wife, women seem to be my main interest these days, but I could never be anything other than the kicking, screaming bisexual that you love (or at least tolerate).
I've been thinking about that a lot lately.
Steak asked me "why can't you just be straight? you're in a monogamous relationship with a girl!" Because it has nothing to do with who I'm fucking. Nothing at all.
I loved Astroboy. I loved BitchX. I loved Steak. Both genders are included there, and to pick a side would be insulting both to them and me. To trivialize the feelings I had for them would be shameful.
Sure, I could meet Mr. Right, and if I did I'd happily live with him forever. But chances are that it'll be Mrs. Right.
To quote a song I wrote a couple of years ago, "You make me want to be the man I want to be."
At the moment, I don't have anyone to sing that to. Well, I might, but I'm not betting on it, it's way too early for that kind of thought.
But I'm hoping to have someone to inspire me, to keep me from following that wandering spirit that has guided me for the last 20 years or so. I'm starting to tire of his lead.
[ed. note: this is written pretty much as stream of thought, with no re-editing, so it might be scattered, it might be repetetive, it might be lame, it might not even have a real point, but fuckit it's what i'm thinking at 1:13pm on Thursday March 3, 2005.]
Jesus, that got heavy! Alright, now who's got a good dirty joke for Dickey???
posted by St. Dickeybird @ 1:13 PM
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